A Detox Diary Full of Delusion and Dorito Cravings

Let me set the scene: I woke up one morning, bloated from cheese fries and regret, and decided I was going to “eat clean.” I’d seen the girls on Pinterest with their green smoothies and glow-in-the-dark skin. They looked like they had inner peace, great digestion, and not one emotional breakdown in sight. I wanted that for me.

So I declared—loudly, publicly, and dramatically—that I was starting a clean eating journey. I may or may not have said, “I’m giving up sugar, dairy, bread, and processed food,” while still chewing the last bite of a toaster pastry.

What followed was a weeklong descent into what I can only describe as leafy madness.

Day 1: The Delusion

I prepped quinoa like I was a Food Network star. I massaged kale with olive oil like it owed me money. I even made chia pudding because someone on the internet swore it “tastes like dessert.”

Spoiler: it did not. It tasted like regret in a mason jar.

Still, I felt proud. Empowered. Like Gwyneth Paltrow if she shopped at Walmart.
💡 These mason jar meal prep kits were cute though—and made me feel like a professional oat-layerer.

Day 2: The Caffeine Withdrawal Heard ’Round the Block

I woke up ready to glow—only to realize I had promised myself “no coffee this week.” A decision clearly made by someone who didn’t love herself.

Instead of my usual iced latte with two pumps of happiness, I brewed some herbal tea that tasted like boiled grass and disappointment.
☕ Until I found this herbal tea sampler that didn’t make me cry.

My head started to throb around 10 a.m. My husband gently asked if I was okay. I responded by growling. Literally. I growled at a man who offered me kindness.

I spent most of the afternoon Googling “can rage be a detox symptom” while aggressively chopping celery.
🍴 Pro tip: This veggie chopper doubles as a stress relief tool. I don’t know if the celery was julienned or just emotionally destroyed.

Day 3: The Spiral

By day three, my stomach was flatter but my mood was feral. I cried because my husband asked if I wanted to go out for tacos. Then I cried harder because I did. But I couldn’t. Because “clean eating.”

Y’all. I was out here sniffing a Doritos bag like it was a candle.

My energy was supposedly “clean,” but I felt like I could black out and fight someone over a blueberry muffin.

Day 5: Rage, But Make It Organic

I tried to journal about how “amazing” I felt, but I accidentally doodled a cheeseburger and burst into tears. The detox was doing something, alright. And I didn’t like it.

Also, why does everyone on the internet have time to spiral zucchini into noodles? I spiral into emotional instability every time I look at the price of almond butter.

At one point I reorganized my fridge and gave myself a full-on “I am the CEO of wellness” pep talk.
🧀 But I still made space for a cheese drawer organizer because I knew deep down…I’d be back.

Day 7: The Grand Fall (and Rise)

I snapped. I threw a rice cake at the wall, declared war on arugula, and ordered a pizza with extra cheese. I ate it while watching reruns of Golden Girls in my bathrobe and whispered “thank you” between bites.

And do you know what happened? I came back to life.

What I Did Learn (In Between Bites)

Okay, okay. I may not be living the That Girl life with a glass bottle of chlorophyll in my purse. But I did learn a few things. So if you’re trying to eat better without turning into an unhinged, snack-deprived gremlin, here’s what worked after the breakdown:

🥦 1. Start Small. Like… Really Small.

Don’t go from burgers to beet juice in one day. Swap out one snack. Add one veggie. We’re not entering a food monastery—we’re just trying to poop regularly and feel less puffy.

📅 2. Plan, But Don’t Punish

Meal prepping doesn’t mean you become a culinary monk. Make it cute. Use fun containers. Add a little treat so you don’t feel like a sad squirrel on a spinach-only diet.

📓 I used this honest and funny food journal to track both quinoa and cookie emergencies.

😇 3. Give Yourself Grace (and a Donut)

Progress is not perfection. One cookie doesn’t ruin the journey. A whole sleeve of cookies? Also fine. Balance, baby.

☕ 4. Drink Water… and Coffee

Hydration matters. But so does your mental stability.
💦 These cute time-marked glass water bottles bullied me into drinking water in the best way.

🥗 5. Eat Food That You Actually Like

If you hate kale, don’t eat kale. This isn’t a hostage situation. You can be healthy and still enjoy your meals.
✨ Add Everything But the Bagel seasoning to anything and feel like a brunch goddess.

Final Thoughts from the Bottom of My (Now Full) Belly

Look, I’m not knocking clean eating. Some people thrive on spirulina and cashew cheese. I am not those people. I need balance. I need food that fuels me and makes me happy. And I need to remember that my worth is not defined by my ability to resist baked goods.

So here’s to eating well-ish, laughing at the chaos, and always keeping emergency chocolate in the drawer.

🫶🏼 Stay nourished (emotionally and otherwise),

Natalie