Last night I tossed, I turned, I flipped my pillow to the cool side, and when sleep refused to show up, I did what any rational adult would do—I went straight to the internet. Because nothing says peaceful bedtime routine like asking Google the kinds of questions that make your FBI agent rub his temples.

There’s something unholy about the combination of a half-melted iced coffee on my nightstand, glasses dangling on the edge of my nose, and me whispering “just one more search” into the glow of my phone like it’s a séance.

By day, I’m composed(ish). By midnight? I’m a Google philosopher with the wisdom of Socrates and the attention span of a gnat. And friends, these are my confessions.

“Is Samuel my kitty cat secretly judging me?”

The answer is yes. Always yes. But instead of sleeping peacefully, I ask the internet to confirm it. Some forums say cats don’t actually judge their humans, which is sweet—except Samuel has the energy of a middle-aged English professor who just caught me confusing “there” and “their”. He doesn’t just judge me. He grades me. Harshly. But at the end of the day I know he loves me…just saying.

“Cheap vacation destinations.”

At 12:43 a.m., I become an overnight travel agent. I’m convinced I can spend two weeks in Greece for less than the price of my Amazon cart. Suddenly, I’m comparing flight alerts, Googling “how to backpack stylishly,” and wondering if TJ Maxx carries canteens. Spoiler: they don’t. But tell me why “all-inclusive resorts” sound affordable when I can’t even all-inclusive my Wi-Fi bill.

“Does Botox hurt?”

This one hits different. Google says: “just a little pinch.” My brain says: “this is how you die.” I spiral into YouTube rabbit holes of twenty-somethings casually getting Botox between Pilates and smoothies while I sit in bed stress-eating a Cheez-It like it’s my last meal. Will I still do it someday? Probably. Because listen: my forehead and my iced coffee have one thing in common—they both deserve to be smooth.

“Liam Neeson movies.”

No, I don’t know why either. It’s like something in my DNA wakes up at 1:17 a.m. demanding to know Liam Neeson’s filmography. Suddenly, I’m knee-deep in plot summaries of Taken 3 (didn’t know there was a third one), debating whether Love Actually redeems him, and making peace with the fact that if I ever get kidnapped, this man better have good cell reception.

“What is the most popular Halloween candy?”

Every. Single. Year. I treat this question like it’s the SATs. Google insists it’s Reese’s Cups (duh). But do I stop there? No. I investigate Skittles, M&Ms, and some random Midwestern obsession with candy corn. By 2 a.m., I’m half-convinced to start a podcast called The Sociology of Sugar. Do I actually buy the candy? Yes, but usually at 3 p.m. the next day, when Target already sold out of the good stuff.

Why Midnight Googling is a Vibe

The truth is, these searches aren’t just all over the place—they’re me. My inner philosopher doesn’t show up during daylight hours when I’m busy pretending to be productive. No, she waits until I’m curled up in bed with a blanket over my head like a Wi-Fi-stealing raccoon.

Midnight me is dramatic, caffeinated, slightly unhinged, and always convinced Google has the answers to life’s greatest mysteries.

So here’s to the sacred scroll of my Notes App confessions—the ones that remind me I’m equal parts ridiculous and relatable. And if you’ve never Googled something that would make your FBI agent sigh deeply, are you even living?

Grace & Sass,

Natalie💛