(And no, I don’t mean metaphorical jail—I mean orange jumpsuit, cafeteria mystery meat, and one phone call kind of jail.)

Listen, I’m generally a loving, patient, “choose kindness” kind of gal. But there are moments—very specific moments—when I feel an unholy urge to throw my manners in a blender, hit purée, and watch the chaos unfold. Some things are so outrageously irritating they deserve a first-class ticket to the slammer. Here are my top offenders:

🫤People Who Reply “K”

If you send me just the letter “K,” congratulations—you’ve successfully communicated that you hate me, my family, and my entire lineage. It’s not efficient. It’s passive-aggressive Morse code for “I’m done with this conversation.”
Sentence: 3 months with no phone privileges. Only paper letters allowed—and you must write them in cursive.

🚶‍♀️‍➡️Slow Walkers in Grocery Store Aisles

Why are you taking a scenic stroll between the cereal and the soup? Do you have a podcast tour guide narrating your shopping trip? Please… either pick up the pace or pull over.
Sentence: 6 months in solitary confinement with a cart that has one squeaky wheel.

🔉Speakerphone in Public

I promise you, Jessica, no one in Target cares about the full details of your cat’s urinary tract infection. We don’t need a surround-sound performance.
Sentence: Community service sorting tangled cords and mismatched earbuds.

🚗The Double Parkers

Two spaces. One car. And an ego that could power the grid. I hope your Starbucks order is wrong and your Wi-Fi is slow for the rest of the year.
Sentence: Life. Without. Parole.

😆The Serial “I Was Just Joking” People

You weren’t joking, you were being mean, and now you’re trying to wrap it in sarcasm like it’s a gift. It’s not. It’s emotional regifting and it’s tacky.
Sentence: One year of mandatory etiquette school taught by a Southern grandma with a wooden spoon.

🛒The People Who Don’t Return Shopping Carts

You had the stamina to walk around Costco for two hours, but not the strength to push the cart ten feet to the corral? Sir, this is why aliens fly past Earth.
Sentence: Forever parking lot duty in August.

🍴Overly Loud Chewers

I’m happy you’re enjoying your meal. I don’t need to experience it with you.
Sentence: 90 days of eating only silent foods—yogurt, mashed potatoes, and soup.

🚦People Who Cut in Line

I’ve been here. I’ve waited. I’ve aged. And now you think your iced coffee emergency is more important than the line I’ve been standing in since the Bush administration?
Sentence: You’re last. Forever. In every line. Even at the DMV.

In Conclusion

Pet peeves might not actually land you in prison… but in my dream world, there’d be a special facility just for these crimes against humanity. I’d even bake cookies for visiting day.

So tell me—what’s your “lock ‘em up” offense?

Book ’em Dan-O,

Natalie👮